


"normal"

by bluecarrot



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Based on a True Story, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-13
Updated: 2016-10-13
Packaged: 2018-08-22 03:56:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8271793
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluecarrot/pseuds/bluecarrot
Summary: wherein Alexander gets a letter, sent by one John Laurens, detailing his intentions to marry.





	

**Author's Note:**

> written 10/12/16.

Alex grabs the letter and opens it without waiting to sit or take off his bag.

The third sentence down freezes him to the floor, then, and it is five minutes before he can thaw out enough to bend his knees, sit on the edge of the bed, shift the bag from his shoulder, read it again. Again.

 

 

Two days later he seeks out John -- and finds him at last in their old favorite spot -- there down by the water, by the crooked turn in the river, by the big tree that sheltered them in its branches more than one long night of talking and laughing and loving now and then, when words dissolved.

He'd thought of this place first. He thought of it and thought _John wouldn't dare_.

John had dared.

And he brought a bottle with him. It's mostly empty now.

Alex steps on a twig, deliberately announcing his presence, and John holds out his arm to offer a drink -- and Alex, who has spent the last few days in tears and swearing, saying _How could you how could why would you how_ , -- all that drains away and he sits down in the mud.

He can't think of a single thing to say.

"She's very pretty," says John Laurens, referring to his brand-new fiancée.

That makes it easier. "I hate you."

"I hate me too."

"Don't. Don't. Just -- just --" His eyes itch; he rubs them. "Just don't. Please don't."

And then he is crying and John reaches to him and he pushes him over into the mud and then they are fighting outright, Alex hitting with more anger than he's ever hit anyone before, John barely fighting back or blocking at all until Alex connects with something solid and feels it break under his hand, and John topples and slides down the bank into the water and Alex follows him down, dragging him out of the river to push his hair back out of his face and swear at him again, they're both covered in dirt and filth and sticky leaves, both crying now.

John sniffs back snot and blood, then half-laughs: "I think you broke my face."

"Fair price. You broke my heart." It sounds like a cliche; it feels like truth. He presses a hand against his chest, over the left side, where it hurts most.

John still won't look at him. "You knew this couldn't last."

"Knew what couldn't last? Us? Being in love? When did I know that? When did we discuss that?"

"Don't."

"Did you fuck her to forget me?" He's crying again. "Did it work? Does it work the other way? Fuck me. Fuck me again. I'll make you forget her. I promise." He crawls forward on hands and knees.

John flinches back -- away from the kiss or from the pressure on his injured face -- and says: "She's pregnant."

Alex sits back, trying to catch his breath and his thoughts, but John is going on.

"And. Yes -- yes. I tried to forget you. I tried to be normal. I wanted to be normal. I want that," he says, and covers his face.

And Alex stands up.

He'd thought nothing could hurt more than that letter; he'd thought he had turned to ice and stone and shattered. But this is worse.

He gets up and leaves, mud clinging to him and John calling after; the words are nothing he understands.

**Author's Note:**

> come over to tumblr and remind me that i swore off this goddamn sinful fandom  
> @littledeconstruction


End file.
